You can stop hiding from your healing when you let go of the idea that you *have* to be a specific kind of person. You don’t have to wait until you’re not anxious or depressed, or off medication, or sober or... you can come to your healing in the exact moment you choose your curiosity, regardless of what is in your hands. You don’t always have to listen to the barbarian in your head, its the lover in your heart you want to meet.
I appreciate it when the answer to ‘how are you’ isn’t our habituated reply of ‘oh, I’m good’ when the answer is ‘I’m in it’ or ‘I’m sad and joyful’, ‘I’m feeling a lot ’ or something honest. When we give voice to what is actually happening in our physical, mental and emotional layers. The extra little bit of information creates an opening where otherwise there is a mask. It sets a space for giving and receiving, an opportunity for true connection. Masks off, and hearts out. I am always grateful when the opportunity for relateability presents itself, it’s a reminder of safe space.
It’s not sabotage. Those moments when you finally choose to deepen your healing, booking the healing session, or the meditation class and you instantly feel the relief, the knowing that something is going to help. You notice your energy move, in obvious ways, and in a direction of habit perhaps, you get sick. Perhaps the body screams out at you a manifestation of the mind, “but not yet, who will I be without this story”. I know a lot of us look at this experience as sabotage, but rather, turn to this change in your being, grasp it in your tender hands and hold it. Ask it, “what is it that you need?”. Let the heart answer, let the answer be the truth, let the answer be the piece you need to witness and hold and nurture before this next big step. It’s not sabotage, it’s your next piece to heal. Let that be ok.
I admire the way morning meditation shifts time. As if the rhythm of the heart held affect across the span of space . 😉 . The heart calls for our attention, undivided care to its dearest pursuits. It is not hard the way, once your two feet are set upon it, you have but to step and the road will come to meet you.
Saturday morning I pulled an angel card, Synthesis
Noun: a combination or composition, in particular.
I have been living, many forms. A masculine, a feminine, an absent and a present. I visit these forms in rotation. I have relationship with all of them, turning to them as a reason to escape from the other when things get tough, and I struggle to summit the mountains that I climb. Living as an Empath, this cordoned off survival mechanism has served me, an escape through to the other sides of living.
I was in a Kundalini class yesterday, the instructions flowed and at the every tail end she spoke: “if you are on your first few days of menses please just breathe deep and slow” as I took my space between my legs in yogic squat, initiating my deep and slow breathing my mind played out a reality, a stubborn bullheaded truth, coated in starlight and my womb. I have been living in pieces, parts of me only allowed light when it was deemed safe by the temperance of my environments.
I am not four beings, I am one.
I am crying and laughing simultaneously today, they call moments like these, pure awareness. The coming together of the bits and pieces of me that existed to define safety when the time was right, but my safety can be constant. No part of me needs to be in exile. I need the masculine hero to save my mind, and the tender woman to stoke the fire, the absent her I will continue to heal, but She, present is my gift.
Work until the work speaks for itself, this winter was thick. This fruitful darkness revealing a light, the time I needed to see through into synthesis.
He asked me to tell him the science behind his experience. The why, in awe of his own vastness, as he allowed the experience to continue to merge with physical reality. There was so much to take in, so much about me to see, I have never tapped so deeply into the foundations of my daily reality. To have access to that part of my psyche; never been able to release to that degree, to bring that kind of awareness to the experiences of my childhood, to allow that much surrender to fills the cells of my entire being and to intuitively forgive my mis-belief of unworthiness. I get it. I get why this is so important.
It is an incredible practice. An active relationship with your breath, as it originates and rises in the core of you. This work, guides you into deep connection with your truest and most profound healing. It unifies the elements of being human: mind, body and spirit. Bringing you fully and consciously into contact with your powerful subtle layers and the innate healing wisdom of your body. The why is simple, by engaging in pranayama breath we are changing the environment in our brain from carbon dioxide dominant to oxygen dominant. When this happens the hypothalamus is activated, it controls the body system, and when the body is turned on there is only one thing it wants to do. It wants to heal, and heal itself it can.
Through the breath you come into contact with the the space that surrounds you, the space that holds you contained and free to be greater than your wildest imaginings. Are you curious and wondering how, how is this possible?
It requires two things; willingness and oxygen
Imagine the end of August, off the coast of British Columbia. The rich smell of summer forest the lull of ocean tides lapping at your feet. You step into vastness, tenderly walking into the sea. It is night, and you can see the most miraculous event - Phosphorescence. A twinkling glow of green and blue, gliding off your skin, illuminating the space that surrounds your physical container. You, feel this witnessing of energy all around you. It is an experience like no other, your sensory perception is keen and innately curious, a melding of a somewhat supernatural and physical experience shared with these suspended algae friends. You feel magic, because to your ordinary eye you are seeing something cosmic.
Breathwork connects you to your cosmic blueprint. You wont be able to see your subtle body in the same way you would phosphorescence, but you will feel your blood cells lit up with oxygen, and it will feel like joy traversing through your entire being. It is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It is like life becoming itself, and I am in love with that life.
So I can tell you why, but I cant make you feel it unless you come willing to breathe, to breathe a witness to your physical, emotional and spiritual transformation.
I am willing things to be much more magical, and so much easier than I can imagine - David Elliot
We need to give credit where credit is due, and I want us to give deep gratitude and reverence to our lineage. We, I imagine mostly all come from a good solid line of devout catholics (to varying degrees), but it’s likely that they were so unbearably devout, that the truth was reserved for the confessional and knowing you were likely to do penance for it, in the end, you would just eat your turkey and keep your mouth shut. Which didn’t make for much of an open and artistic household. But, I’m not here to take your parents inventory I just want to talk about changing your life.
Being a martyr is living a life of falling prey to the trick of the wild and loose Coyote. Coyote is an incredible trickster (a tool once we boil it all down), and most of us unless you were born buddha are slaves to an overactive mind, until we source our Coyote bait. I am about to make this recipe really simple for you
Be clear on your intention - Be mindful to set intentions from the heart rather than the mind. If they are too specific and don't leave room for magic, the true unveiling of your path and direction in life will be hidden. Too much coyote in your intentions can leave you dancing around your dreams but never really getting them home and in your kitchen.
Sit still - Ultimately we have to make many attempts at sitting still before we succeed in our stillness. Which is unbearably obvious I know, but it’s true. Try and fail, and try again.
Decide that you are done living a consequential life.
So there, there’s the big ONE. Decide you are done living a consequential life. Because in a consequential life there are no angels, there are patterns and habits and forced ways of being that have landed you time and time again comfortable but, not quite happy. This kind of living has landed you with all the ‘things’ you want, but not the internal peace you crave. Its has garnered you the approval of whoever it is that offers you an umbrella of guilt, (that is likely so subconscious at this point you don’t realize it)… so you’re satiated, but you’re just not happy.
Living consequentially goes hand in hand with co-dependency. Co-dependancy keeps us tethered to the same umbrella as that one you’re toting around up there. Living in the decisions of other people, living in the love language of other people, living in the politics and world views of other people. You can have a good life living like that, you can be happy, because happiness can find you anywhere but you just might not be on purpose. Ultimately you are the only one who can know. So then, we have to move into some deep self reflection.
The signs are no longer in the sky. They are alive, well and moving around inside of you. How do we go from disempowered Coyote to empowered Coyote? There is one simple answer to this question.
Make the decision to live a non-consequential life
The following is Coyote Bait - We bait our Coyote with its own medicine - mindful interruptions for tricks of mind, a pathway into our golden temple hearts.
Notice Coyote mind, ask yourself to be made transparent to yourself (not a request for the faint of heart) to really see your distractions; taste them, eat them, be devoured by them. Be revealed to yourself through your distractions. Your life will be made very clear to you in this process, and you will need to have some support set up for you on this journey. I suggest; breathwork, gong baths, yoga classes, meditation etc..
2. Repeat this Mantra: Everything is always working out for me
3. When the angels start showing up, and I guarantee you they will, let them help you.
That’s how you do it. That’s how you start to shift out of a life of martyrdom and into a life of manifestation. Once you have the shift rolling and you’ll feel it, you will be well on your way to creating the life you have always dreamed of.
Turn the light on and shine it inside, that’s where you are.
Our sometimes makeshift lives can have us feeling any number of different things. Rooted in old stories and patterns of anxiety, judging ‘doings’ and ‘not yets’... Cultivated silence lends to allowing time and tea leaves to settle. There is a beautiful unison (a uniting tension) in our makeshift becoming. Gather to your center, magnetize your bridge and continue building your hope.
I sat for tea this morning with a friend.
I was given the ceremonial tea pot on borrow, and have two bowls for sipping.
I have yet to gather a proper tea pot, and serving carpet and some of the other perfectly detailed notes that pull together, to make a ceremony of sitting for tea.
I did it anyway.
I over poured the first bowl, and let tender tea spill over sides while pouring the second bowl. The pot from which I poured hot water spat droplets out, as fire heated hot metal does in relationship with water. Serenity still found us.
I think my favourite bowl may be number three, there is such wisdom in bowl number three. As I gazed down into the gentle amber colour and settling leaves at the bottom of my bowl, I was instantly magnetized by a magic that was present there. To a settling galaxy, suspended in a container gently held in the love of my hands. There was an empty space at the center of the collection of possibilities, and there was a subtle force, a uniting of tension, a drawing inward from the core of the bowl, and the particles of tea were responding to the vibration. To the frequency, set and poured by my heart.
I could feel the neutral vibration of faith in that moment.
I could feel the reality of all the multi layers of human experience that are expressly and divinely cultivated by that which, is at the core. That there are no ordinary moments, that there are no ordinary acts, of service or otherwise. That everything in goodness and otherwise is serving a magnetized force.
That force, the center of the force
You and your relationship, with your internal cosmos.
That’s kind of a big deal.. I completely agree, and likely entirely ineffable - as most spiritual experiences are.. and it is entirely too easy to look back into the books of times past and judge our manifested realities.. Trust me I have many stories to go back to, sift through, and could rub criticism into the elbows and joints of those tales endlessly.. But to what end, if then criticism becomes the center… because as we do we are becoming. We want to become holy evolved, from times of great sorrow with grateful hearts. In the witnessing of our shadowlands, deep within our internal continents we do not have to stare blankly at them in confusion and disillusionment, allowing old records to play into old stories of living life smaller than was intended for us. But rather, we can sift into their depths in reverence, for the awareness of seeing the path, of feeling the journey that has brought us to this incredible moment, to this deep forgiveness, to this awareness.
In this awareness we are free.
Free to align at the center of yourself and trust in the magnetization of your greatest possibilities.
So then I ask you, how do you meet with your internal cosmos? When do you shake hearts with love?
Expansion and Contraction; a natural experience along your spiritual path.
As we progress along the spiritual path we will have moments of deep beautiful and enlivening creativity and motivation like the veil has lifted and your confidence reservoirs have been instantly refilled and life feels like everything is about to get on purpose!
But then all of a sudden, out of nowhere like the self sabotage we all know and love... just kidding... we get caught up in its opposition and the old habits we are trying to move beyond... its as though those old nasty habits and experiences come back times ten! Or sometimes, they are completely different and kind-of send you into a bit of a nervous flurry, wondering what the heck is going on.. help!
This is a natural and common reaction of the personality system to your spiritual progress and the likely upcoming permanent shift you are working towards. Your personality/ego mind is panicking because it is all of a sudden loosing control as you move into such a profound and deep desire for change and elevation. Your ego can no longer see or make sense of a future limited by your past limitations and ideologies, this is the experience of contraction. This can manifest in a variety of ways, including but not limited to; temperature changes in the body, extra sensitivity to energy fluctuations, energy build up in chakra centers, negative thoughts, lack of motivation, crippling fear, withdrawal, anxiety, sadness, fatigue, anger and all those very normal human indicator emotions pointing you towards spending more time figuring feeling yourself out and integrating your process, your evolution.
This is normal!
Breathe a big sigh of relief, in my experience when there is expansion there is, as natural law states, a contraction that will follow. When we have spent a good amount of time being, feeling and engaging with our world in a particular way and then experience a sudden onset of bliss and light our ego/personality can create a fear based reaction in the body - it's kind of like an 'are you sure you want to grow?' 'are you sure you want to leave the comforts of ego behind' 'remember how comfortable and familiar it is to hold onto our pain bodies..'.. It's like an ego check stop, 'its not too late we can still turn back!' These are common experiences, and an opportunity for you to move through and past the weights that have kept you stagnant.
My suggestions for working through this little, temporary and trick of the mind slump:
1. Lay down once or twice a day, summon a pure and clear white light and invite the energy to move through you via the top of your head and clear out whatever doesn't belong to you, and whatever is in your best interest to release at that moment. Usually it will run for a few minutes, maybe up to 20 and then stop, and you will feel more relaxed.
2. Work with Ganesha - the associated mantra is
om gam ganapataye namaha
Ganesha is the destroyer of obstacles, sit in meditation with Ganesha, and develop relationship with this mantra to help guide you through this experience, this deepening of your spiritual practice. You can sing the mantra, or speak it, allow it to move through you.
3. You may also ask your guides, to slow the process down a little bit for you if it is feeling too overwhelming. Sit into meditation, silence the mind as much as you can, and summon your soul - in gratitude, thank your guides for their assistance in your transformation, but, ask that the transition be a little bit gentler. Always in gratitude.
You are doing some incredible Soul work my friend, here is a good place to start -
Keep the faith, and keep doing the work!
If Spirit wanted to talk to you, how would you know?
If Spirit was talking to you, what level of volume do you think you would need until you put the linear mind aside and came into communication with your Soul?
These are fundamental questions and therefore, essential answers for how you move forward on your spiritual path.
I am going to share with you the top three methods Spirit used to get my attention. These are the "Um, hello Annalise! We are trying to talk to you and you're not listening!" Which usually only happens after an extend period of time away from my center.
1. My body : I am a very physical person, I love to work outside be active and exercise. If I have not been getting soft often enough to feel my truth this is where I will feel the fist knock.
- To be honest, I have grown accustom to this one - so when I am heavy into my personality based living I can find it easy to keep ignoring this method of communication. I can easily push through physical symptoms.. which is obviously, not a good idea and I could save myself much turmoil if I clued in at this stage.
2. Money : This is my big and loud, its time to wake up zone. Money, in particular a lack of money, despite all my best efforts to keep the flow. If fear has been running the show for too long then money starts to become almost untouchable. Which, my goodness is no fun at all!
- Money, and the coinciding mental pattern: but I'm doing all the right things, I'm working two jobs, I'm meditating, I'm creating, I'm taking risks. I'm showing up in the world for myself and other people. I guess I just have to keep working harder... more more more... ugh.. oops! because in that clinging to the idea that I am on the right track.. I am pushing away from source, my guides and from truth.. so I get less and less and less and less..
3. Sleep : Now here is my HEAVY HITTER, lets face it who can cope in life without sleep. Absolutely not me. If I cant sleep at all, I know I'm in desperate need of deep and soulful connection with my divine resources, guides and the great awe.
(*The Great Awe translates into; god, source, divine flow, universe, etc.. however you conceptualize of that which is your expansion beyond human body parameters)
- In particular when this occurs I know I am close to surrender. Often there is a full moon close by and my shadow self is being completely illuminated. During these sleepless nights, there is usually a feeling of complete letting go. I will lay awake, without anger. I feel like thats Spirits final straw attempt included with a hug, a little reassurance that help is literally right there just waiting for my hand.
It has taken me some time to figure out what my obvious "Spirit is desperate to talk to me" cues are. These are tactics that Spirit engages when I have gotten quite far away from mySelf. When I am integrated in my Soul and Body experience I hear Spirit in a multitude of other much more gentle ways, through the animal kingdom, feelings, visions, books and the active use of the 4 Claires (clairvoyance, clairesentience, clairecognizance and claireaudience).
In my experience gentle communication with the Divine grows and develops over time as we listen to the more obvious methods of communicating. (We can talk about developing those another time!)
So I am curious, how would Spirit get your attention?
Do you think that you could start listening to Spirit when the volume is at a decibel 4 rather than at a 10? Are you willing to dive a little bit deeper into your softness to develop a deep and beautiful relationship with your soul?
Here is my number one recommendation for permanently getting rid of internal cobwebs, hearing Spirit and showing up authentically in your Life.
Ok, here’s a little authenticity from Annalise –
Welcome to 2018, Same you – Be kind.
I had an incredible group of women to my space yesterday to Breathe into big release. It is such an honour to be trusted to hold space for such vulnerable and profound transformations. At the end of our session we sat to chat about their experiences and naturally progressed into talking about the upcoming new year.
There has been so much on socials about 2018 being the year of the butterfly, and to be completely honest I am just not feeling it. I’m not feeling it on a number of levels, but, primarily I do truly feel that the work, our work just started. As a collective our rising has just in the past six months truly come to fruition, this my friends in my humility, is just the beginning of the work.
The initial coming out of our truths and stories paves a way in noise, flutter and chaotic shouting; a coming together of a big yell into the FINALLY of the Feminine taking shape on the planet. But what comes after this big YELL? Initially the exhale, a big sigh, a stretch of limb and mind into the possibility that equality on our planet is on its way. The thing is that we are, (though still yelling), going to be entering the phase of healing of bricks and mortar, the cellular regeneration of our physical, mental and energetic bodies. This is the part that is going to take the work. This is the part where Forgiveness has to take a predominate roll in our everyday experiences. This is when we actually have to start practicing what we preach, practicing what we dream, because the imagination is now the womb, and so what you think, what you say is quite literally going to manifest.
The part of the work that is going to require the most consistent practice is just dawning on us.
One of the woman said “yeah like what if we are the Butterfly that gets eaten by an Eagle?” My mind was blown. OMG! To be a butterfly eaten by the eagle, to be of service in that way. Forgive me if this part gets a little too far out there for you, but maybe – you’re on the same page.
So, we basically just went through one of the most difficult years in history. The 45th is president, there is war all over the planet, polar bears are dying, we are not doing a great job at reconciliation, women are claiming space in a way we never have before; which is kind of a constant trigger, and you had your own world of experience on top of all of that. And because its January 1st there is this idea that in a day, overnight our experience of ourselves and the world is just going to change. I will tell you right now that I am a believer in miracles, I am a believer in magic wands and instant healing and manifestation. But, I am also a realist and I do know that in order to get to that point we need to do some work.
Now hands up, who wants to be an Eagle? Soaring up into the heavens, feeling air, seeing forever, living for just about as long as humans do, eating omega 3’s and sitting in trees. Sounds like a dream.
Eagle Medicine via. Kael Klassen
Eagles are a totemic symbol of spiritual illumination, of healing and creation.
Eagle has come to you with guidance, as strong and insistent as a heartbeat, around what you are, or potentially aren’t, seeing.
You are being called to exit the shadows and soar to new heights in order to have a clear vision of the bigger picture.
This is applicable not only to your own heart, mind and spirit, but also to the heart mind and spirit of every word that you choose, every action that you take, and every relationship that you nourish with all of creation here on earth.
Eagle calls you to rise above the confusion and heartache of the mundane so that your heart can be open and filled by light.
It is from this higher vantage point, this way of expanded and intuitive living, that you can learn to love the shadow just as much as the light; to see, if not the beauty, the necessity, purpose and balance of both the light and the dark.
Now close your eyes.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Imagine yourself soaring high above your life picture and then, using your spiritual vision,
What do you see?
What is missing?
To fly with Eagle can be both exhilarating and dizzying;
Move gently, no sudden movements, as you accustom yourself to flying higher into your truth.
Now, that is something to give way to. To be in service to your greater good, to your evolving spirit. It can sometimes be a challenge to imagine or feel or know how to come into your fullest being. Often times we need to connect into something that is greater and outside of ourselves to do just that.
And so I adopt the idea that 2018 may in fact be the year that we all sprout wings and fly off into the truth of our complete existence, but I also just think that my butterfly may still be in the larvae stage and need to spend some time in the belly of the Eagle.
What I mean by that, is to be in service to something greater. To be in service to the ultimate, to be in service to the universal field, god, source, love however you conceptualize of that great awe that lives outside of you. It is a year of continued and feverant work. On bent sober knees, prayers spilling off lips and hearts gushing open in total oneness with divine truth. It is a year of perfecting our relationship with the divine that is in you, the god in your belly, in the belly of your god.
So how am I going to do this?
Rigorous honesty to start – with myself, I will allow what doesn’t work to slowly fall away and what works to grow roots.
Silence and Stillness – a daily practice of complete silence, sitting still. Observing my mind, and emptying it. To calm the chaos of our external work we must calm the currents of the mind.
Breathwork – I heal so much every time I commit to this active pranayama breath.
Writing – I am going to write.
Compassion – in all ways, always
This is where I am going to start. It is from this point that I am going to continue my healing. This is my willingness to be of service to the great awe that exists outside of me. So that in turn, I can be of service to you.
I love you
Ok I’ve got a big beautiful message for you.
We've been in this place of yearning for quite sometime now, and we are just beginning to be on the receiving end of a massive shift we instigated almost a year ago.
There are moments in time and space when clarity reigns supreme. In those moments all we have to do is jump into the current of wild and pain, because there is greatness on the other side of, and greatness because of, the vigour of that current.
Its true, we fall into second guessing, we take hold once again of the river bank climbing out of the unknown and back into something stable and comprehendible. But guess what. You have to get back in the river.. and do it all over again. And that’s the point.
Get up, get out, go back, sit down, forgive. Stand up.
Forgive the fact that you are learning about boundaries, that you are learning how to be a woman in the Aquarian age, this is a kind of woman that has never existed before.
Do you realize that?
We’ve never been this way before. We have never had these requirements of duty, never before a call to stand and rise up from a place of conformity and subjugation in this way. And we are just exiting a season of fire and heat, like over watered tomatoes exploding off the vine, seeds laying splayed out and roasting on the soils beneath us.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
I keep hearing this whisper, a She so powerfully demystified that I recognize myself in her grace. It isn’t until I have been so completely emptied of all things common and habitual, rendered surrendered at the feet of a Self I am craving to love, that I realize so profoundly how close I am to truly recognizing this life’s potential.
I was visited by ghost this week, early Wednesday morning. She sat herself on the floor of my kitchen, her legs pulled up to her chest, wearing a tunic of the pioneer age and a hat covering her crown. I blinked a number of times just to be sure I was awake and not dreaming, she remained. I told her she could stay, but that I was going to back to sleep because I had to work early in the morning. She nodded and said thank you. Returning her third eye to her bend of her knees. I’ve been sitting with her visit now, I’ve met her before. Sometimes she's more forward about her messages, and notifying me of her presence, other times its just as simple as it was on Wednesday. But she, a visitor from a previous time, I could feel her pain – I could see the stories that bound her to a way of life that was restricted and denying. She was not free, and yet she did the work any way. She did the work that the time called for. She worked the land and she served, meeting an energetic requirement of the ages.
So, I thank her.
Because I don’t have to do the work she already did. I get to use the foundations she set and choose something elevated and free. Why do again the work that has already been done?
Are you wondering why?
Why you can’t get out of this routine habit of weight and self sabotage? Have you asked who’s weight it is that you are carrying? Have you sat still for three days, through anxiety, depression, restlessness, refusal, rebellion, apathy and ambivalence – long enough to pass through to the edge of certainty?
Empty out your vessel.
Let your mastery find you and carve its way out through the cracks in your weather worn heart.
Don't do again the work that has already been done. Because this is a new time, a new age. It was created for you, because of who you are. This time is yours.
This is your becoming…
I attended an event last night, a gathering of women present to hear six women speak about what they are passionate about. I was fortunate to start off the evening with a story meditation about the Virgin Mary as a story of the Patriarchy. It was incredibly vulnerable for me, I channeled the message late yesterday morning, it had weight and freedom lining each letter and I was so afraid to share, but I did. Five other women got up and spoke after me, each one of them stunning in their honesty and inspiring in their vulnerability. It was an honour to to be a part of such an uplifting evening.
It was light, there was so much light. And today, in all things human and honest I am holding shadow. One of the women got up and told us about her Sexual Assault, and in particular how it stole her movement, she was a dancer, a ballerina. She quit ballet eight months after the incident much a mystery to her parents and dance community and entered survival mode in silence and secrecy, where she stayed for 14 years.
She told my story. I am a ballerina and I have the same story.
My rape stole my movement, stole my creativity. Because we live in a rape culture relentless in its victim shaming I didn’t tell anyone. I carried the story in my blood and bones for years until one-day siting in a circle of eight other women, all of whom were rape survivors sharing their stories, did mine, finally play out in fullness across the screen of my third eye. I was conscious of two of my rapes until that moment, and then, I was conscious of the third. Like a black and white movie playing out in front of my eyes, scene after scene of unconscious Annalise being unlawfully taken advantage of. This knowledge changed me. If I thought I hated myself before, well. I was headed head first into depths I could never have imagined. Feeling so immeasurably undeserving I became a shell less than human. I had been a good girl; I didn’t understand why. Why, three times? Why, me? … The judges daughter.
I struggled with self esteem throughout my life anyway as I had inherited genetic baggage of unworthiness and guilt – the kind that shapes and colours a world in black and grey and fear. So I struggled before, but after, I had no capacity left within me to believe that I was in any way deserving of success, not only success but deserving of what I wanted. Because in three life altering moments what I wanted spilled from my lips like soft broken prayers pleading that my NO would be loud enough that I could stay in my body, that I could live, that I could be honoured and saved by a word, that held at that moment all of my dignity. And No, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, not big enough, loud enough or strong enough.
These experiences defined the rest of my life.
I am now thirty-two, it is fifteen years later. I work in a misogynistic, sexist and weighted patriarchal field 40 hours a week, I work with men of a passing age and they are fighting for their survival. I experience on a daily basis language that triggers and offends me, language that reminds me how far we have yet to go in healing the world of the sorrow of living too much in the mind, and too far from the heart. Today, at least he was told by someone who overheard him how vulgar his words were, and I was given an apology. I don’t usually get apologies, and so today he gets another yellow card, a kind of forgiveness from me because I do think that his misogyny is accidental. So I keep praying.
My best friend, is launching her new dance company in Vancouver tonight. Luminesque. I’ve been thinking about and wanting to attending this class for three weeks. And, tonight I’m not going to make it. Because, I am grieving again, a sense of safety. I am spilling out a truth, wet faced and real into words on a keyboard that will hopefully find their way to a woman who needs to know my story to a woman whose story is the same. To a woman who wants so desperately to feel safe, with a chainsaw in her hands or nipple tassels on her breasts.
There is much beauty also because of it, there is a depth to me that few have ever witnessed. As a lover, I have yet to say I have been fully seen. But, there is a capacity I hold to heal another because of the places I have been, the sorrow I have known, and a willingness to fight to survive. I have have come back from these places. Perhaps, tomorrow I will make it to dance, and this written expression will heal sweetness into my void of worthiness that I could reach into becoming the power I know I am.
The Virgin Mary, is a story of the Patriarchy.
“… And so I tell you now, The Virgin Mary is a story of the Patriarchy, she was not what they have told us. She was vastness’ greatest dream she was more than man could see and so they tamed her. And told us of her power through the lens of shadowed light, of her capacity to reach a level of devotion so vast that it instilled within her the power to create life, and they took from her, her greatest gift, her child, reminding her of her place among men.
Imagine a Lion, free and wild.
Now cover and cloak this cat in a mantle and veil, what happens to her power, it sleeps. It goes into hibernation; it rests to reset. And so, let us not judge our repression and hold sorrow over missed-steps and lost direction. Let us simply remove the mantle, rip the veil, and wake up to our becoming. “
May Sweetness Find you
All my love,
Here is a Full Moon Meditation gift for you to try on your own this evening. It's been a big week energetically, and many of us are feeling the weight of all our efforts. This meditation will ground you and pull in some sweet energy as we move into our next work week, be sweet! xo
I am spiralling beauty,
in the twisting I can see the pieces fall.
my fingertips outstretched to grasp as my eyes witness an unbecoming.
the sorrow that turns inward and switches on my living.
I am spiralling,
blind to the difference between truth and truth.
I won’t deny either,
they are both and all shedding qualities of light
over my radiant evolving body.
a layered body.
I am cloaked in fur.
she told her to wait, a genetic line of waiting.
wait for her, wait for her to wake.
it’s a mess a little.
this way of being in my world.
I have so many loves.
I have so many ways of being awake,
I see the world I breathe her in contradictory patterns.
but I am here with her.
Standing and reaching + screaming.
I let her let go of me. every day I wake and I let her,
let go of me.
I hold a seed bed of cravings deep in my womb.
it quivers and writhes in anticipation of release.
a being almost of her own, I have little control over her.
her breath seeps up my spine calling Venus forth in the all of me
I let her go.
she moves in and through me chasing desire chasing me.
I let myself be cloaked in her truth her vision + light.
Oh my god, words whispered eyes lit on going deep
Oh my god
Yes. You see
I feel you seeing me.
Sometimes I am desperately afraid of my truth.
I sit here at my desk (which is currently situated in my kitchen) and I can feel my heart beating, the rhythm is obvious and the pace is quick. I sit here in my home temple as she gets rebuilt by men I don’t know and who barely speak the same language as me.
There was a slow water leak, it began I assume sometime mid November when the temperatures in Vancouver dropped below zero, a fissure formed in the copper pipes and the leak sprung in my wall. This leak moved down the wall and seeped under the floors of my sacred space, the space where I pray, create and dance, the space where I heal.
A little back story;
I spent the Solstice season in solitude this year, sitting in weight and lifting into light when the varying sensations emerged for me. It was an incredibly sacred time of reflection; where have I been in the past nine years.. reflecting on family, habits + patters and most specifically the end of my most recent romantic relationship, diving into the love I held and still hold for that beautiful woman. It was a season of deep release.
I noticed on the 2nd of January that one of my electrical sockets had water pouring out of it, and notified my landlady. She immediately came down and punched a hole in my ceiling, my crown chakra if you have the courage to venture so far with me. Exposing the shut-off valve for the water to the back yard. Then a big hole in the wall which held the weeping electrical socket, exposing soaked 2X4’s, cement and insulation. There was a dehumidifier and five fans installed, which are loud and stayed on for six nights and seven days. There was constant noise.
I started to feel completely crazy, I work a loud job Monday to Friday and then to come home to more constant noise was incredibly over stimulating and stirred up every last bit of tension I had not yet released from my bones, blood and mental bodies. Ugh, it was awful. I was so uncomfortable.
I was being excavated.
Yesterday I woke up sweating, and weak. I went to work and stood, unsure of everything and not able to feel where I was. One of the guys, (a teacher though he is much too humble to know that he is, just that to me) looked to me and said “Anna, you haven’t moved in seven minutes, are you ok?” and then I looked to him and said, I don’t think I should be here. He said, “then go home, nobody cares if you just go home”. So I walked into my bosses’ office and said “I should have called in sick” and I went home, back to bed. In my sickness I turned inward – as we often do, we don’t do our spiritual work until we just can handle our humanity anymore.
Under the full moon in Cancer, I exposed for my conscious mind the things my Soul simply can’t live without. The truths within me that need a path, a way through that they would come into being, that they could come to life. It was as if I was giving my deepest, truest desires permission to come to life. Yesterday I gave them/her breath.
Yesterday afternoon the room was deemed dry, and last night I slept in silence.
In my sleep, I dreamt of flight. I was walking a path with a group of women made up primarily of dancers, along a forest path beside a river and two Eagles a mother and a daughter flew up beside me and landed on some old dead branches to my left and then flew off. I was so taken by their beauty and wanted so deeply to follow them that I did, I took off – I was flying! I flew up with ease, and touched back down to earth at will. Vanessa my dear friend said to me I think we are on the wrong path, and I flew up again to find our way and re-direct these powerful women. Down through a haunted village we travelled under the temporary guise of an angry wizard and into another denser forest. I flew above, every woman followed. We arrived to our place, a town half sunk in water. Submerging ourselves in this natural bath, between and among all things worldly; cars, shopping carts, crying babies and angry mothers. We swam –
WE LET GO.
Water is about letting go. Releasing. It can leave you feeling powerless, feeling completely lost.
WATER IS ABOUT LETTING GO.
ABOUT FEELING LOST.
BEING LOST TO COSMIC SPACE + TIME
Lost to all the things you understand, lost to all the things you think you want, lost to everything. It is about being at the end of everything, that you would begin again.
And so it is.
My house under water. My bones, my old stories under water. My ideas, my thoughts and beliefs under water. Ripped up, to be cleansed beneath this Full Moon in Cancer.
We must trust the process, the strangers and the language that we don’t yet understand. We must let ourselves be rebuilt by cosmic love and moonlight. We must trust our truth.
I am Laloba, and I am listening.
Comment below and let me know what you want to activate!
Because this is relevant. . . as we step out of another day preparing to sleep to nest in wonder, and move into tomorrow.
I am facing many fears now. Today in this moment, moments also from yesterday and I’ll venture a guess also into tomorrow. I am in the pressure cooker, together with you, we all are.
I am sore, my heart aches of the pain of change and my bones scream of stretching density. Alive, I know I am. Awake also, I am. Learning I am, to be altered to be elevated.
She is afraid, seven years old, I can feel her small within me looking desperate for all the pieces that no longer look the way she had envisioned – that no longer feel easy. The deepest desires of my innermost heart seemingly so far away, but I can smell its sweetness, I know it is mine.
“ Daytime did not fail because the sun set ” – Kaypacha
One mask off, laying barren at my feat. Feat, of course no accident – to remove a mask and lay her emptied, hollowed out at my feet has been a fight to the death, has been a feat. This mask I lay tells me as she falls; she is the piece of me that keeps me from worship. She was keeping me from the deepest most sacred force of Self Worship.
When I was about 7 I was left with the neighbours children while my mother went for a much deserved afternoon away. There were three of them, two who were also 7 and the other who was about 12. All of us females. They left me outside on the curb of the street, I was told to stay still, and if I didn’t that I would be put into the laundry hamper. After about an hour I walked to the front door and asked to come in for water. The three of them locked me in the laundry hamper, from above my head they said “here’s your water” they poured water on my head, and spit on me. Why I am telling you this? First off, because I know you can relate. Secondly, because I was being taught on a spiritual level of a very old belief, that I was unworthy, that I was less than, that I deserved to be spit on, silenced and unheard. So in that moment, deep in that trauma I committed to believing it was so. They spit on the top of my head, they spit on my crown. My crown is my saving grace, my crown chakra allows me, cultivates for me my duty and sacred calling on this earth. My crown is my life line. They, in their foolish innocence played out for my soul a paradigm I would be called to shift in this life time. The call to heal my Crown Chakra. To reinstate perfect, constant resonance with my ultimate being. With the wholeness of my consciousness.
I extend to my heart a devout and honest commitment to cultivating my ability to embody the truth of my Crown. Today, I am grateful to those three girls.
It is obvious to me now why I felt such deep sadness after my kundalini yoga class this evening. I don’t often feel anything other than bliss after kundalini, so I allowed the sadness; and her voice spoke of transformation. I offer this transformation to mother earth and to all her sentient beings. That we would all move into Worship, that we would all heal our Crown, that we would all move into wholeness.
To heal one, is to heal all.
He looked at me and said “what is it that you do, aside from climbing trees?” I hope you don’t mind me asking, I’ve just finished my master’s degree and will become a pastor in the Christian faith this year. I am a deep philosophy student; I’d like to ask you some questions.
Initially I panicked a little, uh oh… are you putting my magic on the stand? What follows my honesty, my execution?
What is the point of the work you do? Peace. Ultimately the point of the work is peace.
How do you get someone to that point? Good question, I guide them based on their understanding of their current reality. Through the magic of their intention we begin to devise a path which leads through the mind, deep into the layers of soul and into the heart, towards peace.
What do you tell someone they will achieve by coming to see you? They will begin a relationship or deepen their relationship with Self, with their internal pulse with consciousness.
Ok, the introduction is done. He asks;
Do you believe in good and bad? Oh this is a big question; This question I would suggest the appropriate answer is dependant on your condition and your reality. The path of spiritual evolution has many facets, many levels, many layers of integration. Beliefs, ideas, theories are relative and fluid. The aspirant must be willing to hold ideas that shift and change as one evolves. Therefore, there was a time that I believed in good and bad. I held this belief because I felt victimised by those things I deemed wrong, bad or evil. At this point in my path, looking back to all the ‘bad’ that happened to me, I have a deep sense of peace, gratitude even for the ‘bad things’ the ‘evil things’, ‘the truly awful things’. I would be hard pressed to say that bad actually exists in my life, I rather would suggest that life is an evolution through and beyond chaos, our mind the conductor of that experience. If you do not understand this, don’t worry – perhaps one day you will.
Ok, what do you think about war? I am saddened by war. To think of war and the profound levels of suffering currently being experienced on our planet, I am deeply saddened. WAR. Is perhaps a condition of attachment in the mind, born of a society that has misplaced its conceptualization of wholeness. Instead of wholeness being an emergence of Self through self, we choose to develop Self through conquering; grades, relationships, clothes, houses, cars and the list goes on endlessly and forever . . . War, emerges within each of us daily, on minute levels; war against the self, war against love. We then move into feelings of anxiety and depression, convinced and controlled by these ideas, thoughts, beliefs that for some reason we are taking for fact. Forgetting that the mind, is our own personal consciousness to be defined by our evolving Self….
Let us move for a moment into a concept I became familiar with a couple years ago;
Come with me, let us zoom out from our planet, travel in the minds eye to outer space. Looking back towards earth we see, we FEEL, this incredible living organism of green (heart chakra), blue (throat chakra), and white (pure light); LOVE, VOICE AND PEACE. We are, in this moment capable of grasping the pure essence of our planet – a planet that is perfect and at peace. Meanwhile, volcanoes are erupting, earthquakes shake and redefine land masses, tsunamis cleanse pieces of land the ocean has missed for decades. From outer space we can see that this is a process of a living being, we can understand that she is alive and being herself.
Relate this to your mind for a moment, to society, to the concrete world. . . . . . take victimization out of your conceptualization. Be bigger than the beliefs that hold you tied to being small.
But, then there are people suffering because of these catastrophes. People are dying, injured and orphaned. These experiences are nightmarish, awful and life altering. But, our Mother Earth, did she do it to hurt us? No. She is a being alive and well living through her cycles. She breaths, moves and shifts through DIVINE INDIFFERENCE. Can you breathe in that concept for a moment, and feel the peace that lives there? Or perhaps you think I’m crazy, and totally off point. That’s ok, I don’t mind.
War then, is a global condition born of a mind polluted by limitation.
What do you think of war I then asked of him; and the words that limit spilled from his lips -
Bad choices ...
In that moment, I wondered if he felt limited by his understandings or if perhaps for him his words held the same potency as my own do for me. I suppose one day I’ll have to ask him.
and my pizza was cold and our work meeting resumed.