martyr to manifestor

We need to give credit where credit is due, and I want us to give deep gratitude and reverence to our lineage. We, I imagine mostly all come from a good solid line of devout catholics (to varying degrees), but it’s likely that they were so unbearably devout, that the truth was reserved for the confessional and knowing you were likely to do penance for it, in the end, you would just eat your turkey and keep your mouth shut. Which didn’t make for much of an open and artistic household. But, I’m not here to take your parents inventory I just want to talk about changing your life.

Being a martyr is living a life of falling prey to the trick of the wild and loose Coyote. Coyote is an incredible trickster (a tool once we boil it all down), and most of us unless you were born buddha are slaves to an overactive mind, until we source our Coyote bait. I am about to make this recipe really simple for you

  1. Be clear on your intention - Be mindful to set intentions from the heart rather than the mind. If they are too specific and don't leave room for magic, the true unveiling of your path and direction in life will be hidden. Too much coyote in your intentions can leave you dancing around your dreams but never really getting them home and in your kitchen. 

  2. Sit still -  Ultimately we have to make many attempts at sitting still before we succeed in our stillness. Which is unbearably obvious I know, but it’s true. Try and fail, and try again.

  3. Decide that you are done living a consequential life.

So there, there’s the big ONE. Decide you are done living a consequential life. Because in a consequential life there are no angels, there are patterns and habits and forced ways of being that have landed you time and time again comfortable but, not quite happy. This kind of living has landed you with all the ‘things’ you want, but not the internal peace you crave. Its has garnered you the approval of whoever it is that offers you an umbrella of guilt, (that is likely so subconscious at this point you don’t realize it)… so you’re satiated, but you’re just not happy.

Living consequentially goes hand in hand with co-dependency. Co-dependancy keeps us tethered to the same umbrella as that one you’re toting around up there. Living in the decisions of other people, living in the love language of other people, living in the politics and world views of other people. You can have a good life living like that, you can be happy, because happiness can find you anywhere but you just might not be on purpose. Ultimately you are the only one who can know.  So then, we have to move into some deep self reflection.

The signs are no longer in the sky. They are alive, well and moving around inside of you. How do we go from disempowered Coyote to empowered Coyote?  There is one simple answer to this question.

Make the decision to live a non-consequential life

The following is Coyote Bait - We bait our Coyote with its own medicine - mindful interruptions for tricks of mind, a pathway into our golden temple hearts.

  1. Notice Coyote mind, ask yourself to be made transparent to yourself  (not a request for the faint of heart) to really see your distractions; taste them, eat them, be devoured by them. Be revealed to yourself through your distractions. Your life will be made very clear to you in this process, and you will need to have some support set up for you on this journey. I suggest; breathwork, gong baths, yoga classes, meditation etc..

     2.   Repeat this Mantra: Everything is always working out for me  

     3.   When the angels start showing up, and I guarantee you they will, let them help you.

That’s how you do it. That’s how you start to shift out of a life of martyrdom and into a life of manifestation. Once you have the shift rolling and you’ll feel it, you will be well on your way to creating the life you have always dreamed of.

Turn the light on and shine it inside, that’s where you are.

sitting for tea

Our sometimes makeshift lives can have us feeling any number of different things. Rooted in old stories and patterns of anxiety, judging ‘doings’ and ‘not yets’... Cultivated silence lends to allowing time and tea leaves to settle. There is a beautiful unison (a uniting tension) in our makeshift becoming. Gather to your center, magnetize your bridge and continue building your hope.

I sat for tea this morning with a friend.

I was given the ceremonial tea pot on borrow, and have two bowls for sipping.

I have yet to gather a proper tea pot, and serving carpet and some of the other perfectly detailed notes that pull together, to make a ceremony of sitting for tea.

I did it anyway.

I over poured the first bowl, and let tender tea spill over sides while pouring the second bowl. The pot from which I poured hot water spat droplets out, as fire heated hot metal does in relationship with water. Serenity still found us.

I think my favourite bowl may be number three, there is such wisdom in bowl number three. As I gazed down into the gentle amber colour and settling leaves at the bottom of my bowl, I was instantly magnetized by a magic that was present there. To a settling galaxy, suspended in a container gently held in the love of my hands. There was an empty space at the center of the collection of possibilities, and there was a subtle force, a uniting of tension, a drawing inward from the core of the bowl, and the particles of tea were responding to the vibration. To the frequency, set and poured by my heart.

I could feel the neutral vibration of faith in that moment.

I could feel the reality of all the multi layers of human experience that are expressly and divinely cultivated by that which, is at the core. That there are no ordinary moments, that there are no ordinary acts, of service or otherwise. That everything in goodness and otherwise is serving a magnetized force.

That force, the center of the force

Is you.

You and your relationship, with your internal cosmos.

That’s kind of a big deal.. I completely agree, and likely entirely ineffable - as most spiritual experiences are.. and it is entirely too easy to look back into the books of times past and judge our manifested realities.. Trust me I have many stories to go back to, sift through, and could rub criticism into the elbows and joints of those tales endlessly.. But to what end, if then criticism becomes the center… because as we do we are becoming. We want to become holy evolved, from times of great sorrow with grateful hearts. In the witnessing of our shadowlands, deep within our internal continents we do not have to stare blankly at them in confusion and disillusionment, allowing old records to play into old stories of living life smaller than was intended for us. But rather, we can sift into their depths in reverence, for the awareness of seeing the path, of feeling the journey that has brought us to this incredible moment, to this deep forgiveness, to this awareness.

In this awareness we are free.

Free to align at the center of yourself and trust in the magnetization of your greatest possibilities.

So then I ask you, how do you meet with your internal cosmos? When do you shake hearts with love?

expansion and contraction

Expansion and Contraction; a natural experience along your spiritual path. 

As we progress along the spiritual path we will have moments of deep beautiful and enlivening creativity and motivation like the veil has lifted and your confidence reservoirs have been instantly refilled and life feels like everything is about to get on purpose

But then all of a sudden, out of nowhere like the self sabotage we all know and love... just kidding... we get caught up in its opposition and the old habits we are trying to move beyond... its as though those old nasty habits and experiences come back times ten! Or sometimes, they are completely different and kind-of send you into a bit of a nervous flurry, wondering what the heck is going on.. help!

This is a natural and common reaction of the personality system to your spiritual progress and the likely upcoming permanent shift you are working towards. Your personality/ego mind is panicking because it is all of a sudden loosing control as you move into such a profound and deep desire for change and elevation. Your ego can no longer see or make sense of a future limited by your past limitations and ideologies, this is the experience of contraction. This can manifest in a variety of ways, including but not limited to; temperature changes in the body, extra sensitivity to energy fluctuations, energy build up in chakra centers, negative thoughts, lack of motivation, crippling fear, withdrawal, anxiety, sadness, fatigue, anger and all those very normal human indicator emotions pointing you towards spending more time figuring feeling yourself out and integrating your process, your evolution. 

This is normal! 

Breathe a big sigh of relief, in my experience when there is expansion there is, as natural law states, a contraction that will follow. When we have spent a good amount of time being, feeling and engaging with our world in a particular way and then experience a sudden onset of bliss and light our ego/personality can create a fear based reaction in the body - it's kind of like an 'are you sure you want to grow?' 'are you sure you want to leave the comforts of ego behind' 'remember how comfortable and familiar it is to hold onto our pain bodies..'.. It's like an ego check stop, 'its not too late we can still turn back!' These are common experiences, and an opportunity for you to move through and past the weights that have kept you stagnant. 

My suggestions for working through this little, temporary and trick of the mind slump: 

1. Lay down once or twice a day, summon a pure and clear white light and invite the energy to move through you via the top of your head and clear out whatever doesn't belong to you, and whatever is in your best interest to release at that moment. Usually it will run for a few minutes, maybe up to 20 and then stop, and you will feel more relaxed. 

2. Work with Ganesha - the associated mantra is 

om gam ganapataye namaha

Ganesha is the destroyer of obstacles, sit in meditation with Ganesha, and develop relationship with this mantra to help guide you through this experience, this deepening of your spiritual practice. You can sing the mantra, or speak it, allow it to move through you. 

Sri-Ganesh-PNG.png

3. You may also ask your guides, to slow the process down a little bit for you if it is feeling too overwhelming. Sit into meditation, silence the mind as much as you can, and summon your soul - in gratitude, thank your guides for their assistance in your transformation, but, ask that the transition be a little bit gentler. Always in gratitude. 

You are doing some incredible Soul work my friend, here is a good place to start - 

Keep the faith, and keep doing the work! 

If spirit wanted to talk to you, how would you know?

If Spirit wanted to talk to you, how would you know? 

If Spirit was talking to you, what level of volume do you think you would need until you put the linear mind aside and came into communication with your Soul? 

These are fundamental questions and therefore, essential answers for how you move forward on your spiritual path. 

I am going to share with you the top three methods Spirit used to get my attention. These are the "Um, hello Annalise! We are trying to talk to you and you're not listening!" Which usually only happens after an extend period of time away from my center. 

1. My body : I am a very physical person, I love to work outside be active and exercise. If I have not been getting soft often enough to feel my truth this is where I will feel the fist knock. 

- To be honest, I have grown accustom to this one - so when I am heavy into my personality based living I can find it easy to keep ignoring this method of communication. I can easily push through physical symptoms.. which is obviously, not a good idea and I could save myself much turmoil if I clued in at this stage. 

2. Money : This is my big and loud, its time to wake up zone. Money, in particular a lack of money, despite all my best efforts to keep the flow. If fear has been running the show for too long then money starts to become almost untouchable. Which, my goodness is no fun at all! 

- Money, and the coinciding mental pattern: but I'm doing all the right things, I'm working two jobs, I'm meditating, I'm creating, I'm taking risks. I'm showing up in the world for myself and other people. I guess I just have to keep working harder... more more more... ugh.. oops! because in that clinging to the idea that I am on the right track.. I am pushing away from source, my guides and from truth.. so I get less and less and less and less.. 

3. Sleep : Now here is my HEAVY HITTER, lets face it who can cope in life without sleep. Absolutely not me. If I cant sleep at all, I know I'm in desperate need of deep and soulful connection with my divine resources, guides and the great awe. 

(*The Great Awe translates into; god, source, divine flow, universe, etc.. however you conceptualize of that which is your expansion beyond human body parameters) 

- In particular when this occurs I know I am close to surrender. Often there is a full moon close by and my shadow self is being completely illuminated. During these sleepless nights, there is usually a feeling of complete letting go. I will lay awake, without anger. I feel like thats Spirits final straw attempt included with a hug, a little reassurance that help is literally right there just waiting for my hand. 

It has taken me some time to figure out what my obvious "Spirit is desperate to talk to me" cues are. These are tactics that Spirit engages when I have gotten quite far away from mySelf. When I am integrated in my Soul and Body experience I hear Spirit in a multitude of other much more gentle ways, through the animal kingdom, feelings, visions, books and the active use of the 4 Claires (clairvoyance, clairesentience, clairecognizance and  claireaudience). 

In my experience gentle communication with the Divine grows and develops over time as we listen to the more obvious methods of communicating. (We can talk about developing those another time!)

So I am curious, how would Spirit get your attention? 

Do you think that you could start listening to Spirit when the volume is at a decibel 4 rather than at a 10? Are you willing to dive a little bit deeper into your softness to develop a deep and beautiful relationship with your soul? 

Yes? 

Here is my number one recommendation for permanently getting rid of internal cobwebs, hearing Spirit and showing up authentically in your Life. 

BREATHWORK

 

 

 

in the belly of the eagle

Ok, here’s a little authenticity from Annalise –

Welcome to 2018, Same you – Be kind.

I had an incredible group of women to my space yesterday to Breathe into big release. It is such an honour to be trusted to hold space for such vulnerable and profound transformations. At the end of our session we sat to chat about their experiences and naturally progressed into talking about the upcoming new year.

There has been so much on socials about 2018 being the year of the butterfly, and to be completely honest I am just not feeling it. I’m not feeling it on a number of levels, but, primarily I do truly feel that the work, our work just started. As a collective our rising has just in the past six months truly come to fruition, this my friends in my humility, is just the beginning of the work.

The initial coming out of our truths and stories paves a way in noise, flutter and chaotic shouting; a coming together of a big yell into the FINALLY of the Feminine taking shape on the planet. But what comes after this big YELL? Initially the exhale, a big sigh, a stretch of limb and mind into the possibility that equality on our planet is on its way. The thing is that we are, (though still yelling), going to be entering the phase of healing of bricks and mortar, the cellular regeneration of our physical, mental and energetic bodies. This is the part that is going to take the work. This is the part where Forgiveness has to take a predominate roll in our everyday experiences. This is when we actually have to start practicing what we preach, practicing what we dream, because the imagination is now the womb, and so what you think, what you say is quite literally going to manifest.

The part of the work that is going to require the most consistent practice is just dawning on us.

One of the woman said “yeah like what if we are the Butterfly that gets eaten by an Eagle?” My mind was blown. OMG! To be a butterfly eaten by the eagle, to be of service in that way.  Forgive me if this part gets a little too far out there for you, but maybe – you’re on the same page.

So, we basically just went through one of the most difficult years in history. The 45th is president, there is war all over the planet, polar bears are dying, we are not doing a great job at reconciliation, women are claiming space in a way we never have before; which is kind of a constant trigger, and you had your own world of experience on top of all of that.  And because its January 1st there is this idea that in a day, overnight our experience of ourselves and the world is just going to change. I will tell you right now that I am a believer in miracles, I am a believer in magic wands and instant healing and manifestation. But, I am also a realist and I do know that in order to get to that point we need to do some work.

Now hands up, who wants to be an Eagle? Soaring up into the heavens, feeling air, seeing forever, living for just about as long as humans do, eating omega 3’s and sitting in trees. Sounds like a dream.

Eagle Medicine via. Kael Klassen

Illumination

Eagles are a totemic symbol of spiritual illumination, of healing and creation.

Eagle has come to you with guidance, as strong and insistent as a heartbeat, around what you are, or potentially aren’t, seeing.

You are being called to exit the shadows and soar to new heights in order to have a clear vision of the bigger picture.

This is applicable not only to your own heart, mind and spirit, but also to the heart mind and spirit of every word that you choose, every action that you take, and every relationship that you nourish with all of creation here on earth.

Eagle calls you to rise above the confusion and heartache of the mundane so that your heart can be open and filled by light.

It is from this higher vantage point, this way of expanded and intuitive living, that you can learn to love the shadow just as much as the light; to see, if not the beauty, the necessity, purpose and balance of both the light and the dark.

Now close your eyes.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Imagine yourself soaring high above your life picture and then, using your spiritual vision,

What do you see?

What is missing?

To fly with Eagle can be both exhilarating and dizzying;

Move gently, no sudden movements, as you accustom yourself to flying higher into your truth.

Now, that is something to give way to. To be in service to your greater good, to your evolving spirit. It can sometimes be a challenge to imagine or feel or know how to come into your fullest being. Often times we need to connect into something that is greater and outside of ourselves to do just that.

And so I adopt the idea that 2018 may in fact be the year that we all sprout wings and fly off into the truth of our complete existence, but I also just think that my butterfly may still be in the larvae stage and need to spend some time in the belly of the Eagle.

What I mean by that, is to be in service to something greater. To be in service to the ultimate, to be in service to the universal field, god, source, love however you conceptualize of that great awe that lives outside of you. It is a year of continued and feverant work. On bent sober knees, prayers spilling off lips and hearts gushing open in total oneness with divine truth. It is a year of perfecting our relationship with the divine that is in you, the god in your belly, in the belly of your god.

So how am I going to do this?

Rigorous honesty to start – with myself, I will allow what doesn’t work to slowly fall away and what works to grow roots.

Silence and Stillness – a daily practice of complete silence, sitting still. Observing my mind, and emptying it. To calm the chaos of our external work we must calm the currents of the mind.

Breathwork – I heal so much every time I commit to this active pranayama breath.

Writing – I am going to write.

Compassion – in all ways, always

This is where I am going to start. It is from this point that I am going to continue my healing. This is my willingness to be of service to the great awe that exists outside of me. So that in turn, I can be of service to you.

I love you 

Do the work that is needed now

Ok I’ve got a big beautiful message for you.

We've been in this place of yearning for quite sometime now, and we are just beginning to be on the receiving end of a massive shift we instigated almost a year ago.

There are moments in time and space when clarity reigns supreme. In those moments all we have to do is jump into the current of wild and pain, because there is greatness on the other side of, and greatness because of, the vigour of that current.

Its true, we fall into second guessing, we take hold once again of the river bank climbing out of the unknown and back into something stable and comprehendible. But guess what. You have to get back in the river.. and do it all over again. And that’s the point.

Get up, get out, go back, sit down, forgive. Stand up.

Forgive the fact that you are learning about boundaries, that you are learning how to be a woman in the Aquarian age, this is a kind of woman that has never existed before.

Do you realize that?

We’ve never been this way before. We have never had these requirements of duty, never before a call to stand and rise up from a place of conformity and subjugation in this way. And we are just exiting a season of fire and heat, like over watered tomatoes exploding off the vine, seeds laying splayed out and roasting on the soils beneath us.

Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I keep hearing this whisper, a She so powerfully demystified that I recognize myself in her grace. It isn’t until I have been so completely emptied of all things common and habitual,  rendered surrendered at the feet of a Self I am craving to love, that I realize so profoundly how close I am to truly recognizing this life’s potential.

I was visited by ghost this week, early Wednesday morning. She sat herself on the floor of my kitchen, her legs pulled up to her chest, wearing a tunic of the pioneer age and a hat covering her crown. I blinked a number of times just to be sure I was awake and not dreaming, she remained. I told her she could stay, but that I was going to back to sleep because I had to work early in the morning. She nodded and said thank you. Returning her third eye to her bend of her knees. I’ve been sitting with her visit now, I’ve met her before. Sometimes she's more forward about her messages, and notifying me of her presence, other times its just as simple as it was on Wednesday. But she, a visitor from a previous time, I could feel her pain – I could see the stories that bound her to a way of life that was restricted and denying. She was not free, and yet she did the work any way. She did the work that the time called for. She worked the land and she served, meeting an energetic requirement of the ages.

So, I thank her.

Because I don’t have to do the work she already did. I get to use the foundations she set and choose something elevated and free. Why do again the work that has already been done?

Are you wondering why?

Why you can’t get out of this routine habit of weight and self sabotage? Have you asked who’s weight it is that you are carrying? Have you sat still for three days, through anxiety, depression, restlessness, refusal, rebellion, apathy and ambivalence – long enough to pass through to the edge of certainty?

 

Sit.

 

Empty out your vessel.

Let your mastery find you and carve its way out through the cracks in your weather worn heart.

Don't do again the work that has already been done. Because this is a new time, a new age. It was created for you, because of who you are. This time is yours.

This is your becoming…

 

 

 

 

This kind of death

Trigger Warning

I attended an event last night, a gathering of women present to hear six women speak about what they are passionate about. I was fortunate to start off the evening with a story meditation about the Virgin Mary as a story of the Patriarchy. It was incredibly vulnerable for me, I channeled the message late yesterday morning, it had weight and freedom lining each letter and I was so afraid to share, but I did. Five other women got up and spoke after me, each one of them stunning in their honesty and inspiring in their vulnerability. It was an honour to to be a part of such an uplifting evening.

It was light, there was so much light. And today, in all things human and honest I am holding shadow. One of the women got up and told us about her Sexual Assault, and in particular how it stole her movement, she was a dancer, a ballerina. She quit ballet eight months after the incident much a mystery to her parents and dance community and entered survival mode in silence and secrecy, where she stayed for 14 years.

She told my story. I am a ballerina and I have the same story.

My rape stole my movement, stole my creativity. Because we live in a rape culture relentless in its victim shaming I didn’t tell anyone. I carried the story in my blood and bones for years until one-day siting in a circle of eight other women, all of whom were rape survivors sharing their stories, did mine, finally play out in fullness across the screen of my third eye. I was conscious of two of my rapes until that moment, and then, I was conscious of the third. Like a black and white movie playing out in front of my eyes, scene after scene of unconscious Annalise being unlawfully taken advantage of. This knowledge changed me. If I thought I hated myself before, well. I was headed head first into depths I could never have imagined. Feeling so immeasurably undeserving I became a shell less than human. I had been a good girl; I didn’t understand why. Why, three times? Why, me? … The judges daughter.

I struggled with self esteem throughout my life anyway as I had inherited genetic baggage of unworthiness and guilt – the kind that shapes and colours a world in black and grey and fear. So I struggled before, but after, I had no capacity left within me to believe that I was in any way deserving of success, not only success but deserving of what I wanted. Because in three life altering moments what I wanted spilled from my lips like soft broken prayers pleading that my NO would be loud enough that I could stay in my body, that I could live, that I could be honoured and saved by a word, that held at that moment all of my dignity. And No, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, not big enough, loud enough or strong enough.

These experiences defined the rest of my life.

I am now thirty-two, it is fifteen years later. I work in a misogynistic, sexist and weighted patriarchal field 40 hours a week, I work with men of a passing age and they are fighting for their survival. I experience on a daily basis language that triggers and offends me, language that reminds me how far we have yet to go in healing the world of the sorrow of living too much in the mind, and too far from the heart. Today, at least he was told by someone who overheard him how vulgar his words were, and I was given an apology. I don’t usually get apologies, and so today he gets another yellow card, a kind of forgiveness from me because I do think that his misogyny is accidental. So I keep praying. 

My best friend, is launching her new dance company in Vancouver tonight. Luminesque. I’ve been thinking about and wanting to attending this class for three weeks. And, tonight I’m not going to make it. Because, I am grieving again, a sense of safety. I am spilling out a truth, wet faced and real into words on a keyboard that will hopefully find their way to a woman who needs to know my story to a woman whose story is the same. To a woman who wants so desperately to feel safe, with a chainsaw in her hands or nipple tassels on her breasts.

There is much beauty also because of it, there is a depth to me that few have ever witnessed. As a lover, I have yet to say I have been fully seen. But, there is a capacity I hold to heal another because of the places I have been, the sorrow I have known, and a willingness to fight to survive. I have have come back from these places. Perhaps, tomorrow I will make it to dance, and this written expression will heal sweetness into my void of worthiness that I could reach into becoming the power I know I am.  

The Virgin Mary, is a story of the Patriarchy.

“… And so I tell you now, The Virgin Mary is a story of the Patriarchy, she was not what they have told us. She was vastness’ greatest dream she was more than man could see and so they tamed her. And told us of her power through the lens of shadowed light, of her capacity to reach a level of devotion so vast that it instilled within her the power to create life, and they took from her, her greatest gift, her child, reminding her of her place among men.

Imagine a Lion, free and wild.

Now cover and cloak this cat in a mantle and veil, what happens to her power, it sleeps. It goes into hibernation; it rests to reset. And so, let us not judge our repression and hold sorrow over missed-steps and lost direction. Let us simply remove the mantle, rip the veil, and wake up to our becoming. “

May Sweetness Find you

All my love,

Winters Moon

Here is a Full Moon Meditation gift for you to try on your own this evening. It's been a big week energetically, and many of us are feeling the weight of all our efforts. This meditation will ground you and pull in some sweet energy as we move into our next work week, be sweet! xo

spiralling beauty

I am spiralling beauty,

in the twisting I can see the pieces fall.

my fingertips outstretched to grasp as my eyes witness an unbecoming.

the sorrow that turns inward and switches on my living.

 

I am spiralling,

blind to the difference between truth and truth.

I won’t deny either,

they are both and all shedding qualities of light

over my radiant evolving body.

 

a layered body.

 

I am cloaked in fur.

ancestral furs.

she told her to wait, a genetic line of waiting.

wait for her, wait for her to wake.

 

it’s a mess a little.

this way of being in my world.

I have so many loves.

I have so many ways of being awake,

I see the world I breathe her in contradictory patterns.

but I am here with her.

Standing and reaching + screaming.

 

I let her let go of me. every day I wake and I let her,

let go of me.

 

I hold a seed bed of cravings deep in my womb.

it quivers and writhes in anticipation of release.

a being almost of her own, I have little control over her.

her breath seeps up my spine calling Venus forth in the all of me

and

I let her go.

she moves in and through me chasing desire chasing me.

I let myself be cloaked in her truth her vision + light.

 

Oh my god, words whispered eyes lit on going deep

 

Oh my god

 

Yes. You see

I feel you seeing me.

 

The fountain. 

WATER

Sometimes I am desperately afraid of my truth.

I sit here at my desk (which is currently situated in my kitchen) and I can feel my heart beating, the rhythm is obvious and the pace is quick. I sit here in my home temple as she gets rebuilt by men I don’t know and who barely speak the same language as me.

There was a slow water leak, it began I assume sometime mid November when the temperatures in Vancouver dropped below zero, a fissure formed in the copper pipes and the leak sprung in my wall. This leak moved down the wall and seeped under the floors of my sacred space, the space where I pray, create and dance, the space where I heal.

A little back story;

I spent the Solstice season in solitude this year, sitting in weight and lifting into light when the varying sensations emerged for me. It was an incredibly sacred time of reflection; where have I been in the past nine years.. reflecting on family, habits + patters and most specifically the end of my most recent romantic relationship, diving into the love I held and still hold for that beautiful woman. It was a season of deep release.

I noticed on the 2nd of January that one of my electrical sockets had water pouring out of it, and notified my landlady. She immediately came down and punched a hole in my ceiling, my crown chakra if you have the courage to venture so far with me. Exposing the shut-off valve for the water to the back yard. Then a big hole in the wall which held the weeping electrical socket, exposing soaked 2X4’s, cement and insulation. There was a dehumidifier and five fans installed, which are loud and stayed on for six nights and seven days. There was constant noise.

I started to feel completely crazy, I work a loud job Monday to Friday and then to come home to more constant noise was incredibly over stimulating and stirred up every last bit of tension I had not yet released from my bones, blood and mental bodies. Ugh, it was awful. I was so uncomfortable.

I was being excavated.

Again.

Yesterday I woke up sweating, and weak. I went to work and stood, unsure of everything and not able to feel where I was. One of the guys, (a teacher though he is much too humble to know that he is, just that to me) looked to me and said “Anna, you haven’t moved in seven minutes, are you ok?” and then I looked to him and said, I don’t think I should be here. He said, “then go home, nobody cares if you just go home”. So I walked into my bosses’ office and said “I should have called in sick” and I went home, back to bed. In my sickness I turned inward – as we often do, we don’t do our spiritual work until we just can handle our humanity anymore.

Under the full moon in Cancer, I exposed for my conscious mind the things my Soul simply can’t live without. The truths within me that need a path, a way through that they would come into being, that they could come to life. It was as if I was giving my deepest, truest desires permission to come to life. Yesterday I gave them/her breath.

Yesterday afternoon the room was deemed dry, and last night I slept in silence.

Silence.

In my sleep, I dreamt of flight. I was walking a path with a group of women made up primarily of dancers, along a forest path beside a river and two Eagles a mother and a daughter flew up beside me and landed on some old dead branches to my left and then flew off. I was so taken by their beauty and wanted so deeply to follow them that I did, I took off – I was flying! I flew up with ease, and touched back down to earth at will. Vanessa my dear friend said to me I think we are on the wrong path, and I flew up again to find our way and re-direct these powerful women. Down through a haunted village we travelled under the temporary guise of an angry wizard and into another denser forest. I flew above, every woman followed. We arrived to our place, a town half sunk in water. Submerging ourselves in this natural bath, between and among all things worldly; cars, shopping carts, crying babies and angry mothers. We swam –

WE LET GO.

Water is about letting go. Releasing. It can leave you feeling powerless, feeling completely lost.

WATER IS ABOUT LETTING GO.

ABOUT FEELING LOST.

BEING LOST TO COSMIC SPACE + TIME

Lost to all the things you understand, lost to all the things you think you want, lost to everything. It is about being at the end of everything, that you would begin again.

And so it is.

My house under water. My bones, my old stories under water. My ideas, my thoughts and beliefs under water. Ripped up, to be cleansed beneath this Full Moon in Cancer.

We must trust the process, the strangers and the language that we don’t yet understand. We must let ourselves be rebuilt by cosmic love and moonlight. We must trust our truth.

I am Laloba, and I am listening.

 

 

Worship

I am facing many fears now. Today in this moment, moments also from yesterday and I’ll venture a guess also into tomorrow. I am in the pressure cooker, together with you, we all are.

I am sore, my heart aches of the pain of change and my bones scream of stretching density. Alive, I know I am. Awake also, I am. Learning I am, to be altered to be elevated.

She is afraid, seven years old, I can feel her small within me looking desperate for all the pieces that no longer look the way she had envisioned – that no longer feel easy. The deepest desires of my innermost heart seemingly so far away, but I can smell its sweetness, I know it is mine.

 Humbled then I sit, staring out of my formed orbs of sight into heavens formless flickering light. “I am coming for you she whispers”

“ Daytime did not fail because the sun set ”  – Kaypacha

One mask off, laying barren at my feat. Feat, of course no accident – to remove a mask and lay her emptied, hollowed out at my feet has been a fight to the death, has been a feat. This mask I lay tells me as she falls; she is the piece of me that keeps me from worship. She was keeping me from the deepest most sacred force of Self Worship.

When I was about 7 I was left with the neighbours children while my mother went for a much deserved afternoon away. There were three of them, two who were also 7 and the other who was about 12. All of us females. They left me outside on the curb of the street, I was told to stay still, and if I didn’t that I would be put into the laundry hamper. After about an hour I walked to the front door and asked to come in for water. The three of them locked me in the laundry hamper, from above my head they said “here’s your water” they poured water on my head, and spit on me. Why I am telling you this? First off, because I know you can relate. Secondly, because I was being taught on a spiritual level of a very old belief, that I was unworthy, that I was less than, that I deserved to be spit on, silenced and unheard. So in that moment, deep in that trauma I committed to believing it was so. They spit on the top of my head, they spit on my crown.  My crown is my saving grace, my crown chakra allows me, cultivates for me my duty and sacred calling on this earth. My crown is my life line. They, in their foolish innocence played out for my soul a paradigm I would be called to shift in this life time. The call to heal my Crown Chakra. To reinstate perfect, constant resonance with my ultimate being. With the wholeness of my consciousness.

I extend to my heart a devout and honest commitment to cultivating my ability to embody the truth of my Crown. Today, I am grateful to those three girls.

It is obvious to me now why I felt such deep sadness after my kundalini yoga class this evening. I don’t often feel anything other than bliss after kundalini, so I allowed the sadness; and her voice spoke of transformation. I offer this transformation to mother earth and to all her sentient beings. That we would all move into Worship, that we would all heal our Crown, that we would all move into wholeness.

To heal one, is to heal all.

co-worker curiosities

He looked at me and said “what is it that you do, aside from climbing trees?” I hope you don’t mind me asking, I’ve just finished my master’s degree and will become a pastor in the Christian faith this year. I am a deep philosophy student; I’d like to ask you some questions.

Initially I panicked a little, uh oh… are you putting my magic on the stand? What follows my honesty, my execution?

What is the point of the work you do? Peace. Ultimately the point of the work is peace.

How do you get someone to that point? Good question, I guide them based on their understanding of their current reality. Through the magic of their intention we begin to devise a path which leads through the mind, deep into the layers of soul and into the heart, towards peace.

What do you tell someone they will achieve by coming to see you? They will begin a relationship or deepen their relationship with Self, with their internal pulse with consciousness.

Ok, the introduction is done. He asks;

Do you believe in good and bad? Oh this is a big question; This question I would suggest the appropriate answer is dependant on your condition and your reality. The path of spiritual evolution has many facets, many levels, many layers of integration. Beliefs, ideas, theories are relative and fluid. The aspirant must be willing to hold ideas that shift and change as one evolves. Therefore, there was a time that I believed in good and bad. I held this belief because I felt victimised by those things I deemed wrong, bad or evil. At this point in my path, looking back to all the ‘bad’ that happened to me, I have a deep sense of peace, gratitude even for the ‘bad things’ the ‘evil things’, ‘the truly awful things’. I would be hard pressed to say that bad actually exists in my life, I rather would suggest that life is an evolution through and beyond chaos, our mind the conductor of that experience. If you do not understand this, don’t worry – perhaps one day you will.

Ok, what do you think about war? I am saddened by war. To think of war and the profound levels of suffering currently being experienced on our planet, I am deeply saddened. WAR. Is perhaps a condition of attachment in the mind, born of a society that has misplaced its conceptualization of wholeness. Instead of wholeness being an emergence of Self through self, we choose to develop Self through conquering; grades, relationships, clothes, houses, cars and the list goes on endlessly and forever . . .  War, emerges within each of us daily, on minute levels; war against the self, war against love. We then move into feelings of anxiety and depression, convinced and controlled by these ideas, thoughts, beliefs that for some reason we are taking for fact. Forgetting that the mind, is our own personal consciousness to be defined by our evolving Self….

Let us move for a moment into a concept I became familiar with a couple years ago;

DIVINE INDIFFERENCE

Come with me, let us zoom out from our planet, travel in the minds eye to outer space. Looking back towards earth we see, we FEEL, this incredible living organism of green (heart chakra), blue (throat chakra), and white (pure light); LOVE, VOICE AND PEACE. We are, in this moment capable of grasping the pure essence of our planet – a planet that is perfect and at peace. Meanwhile, volcanoes are erupting, earthquakes shake and redefine land masses, tsunamis cleanse pieces of land the ocean has missed for decades. From outer space we can see that this is a process of a living being, we can understand that she is alive and being herself.

Relate this to your mind for a moment, to society, to the concrete world. . . . . . take victimization out of your conceptualization. Be bigger than the beliefs that hold you tied to being small.

But, then there are people suffering because of these catastrophes. People are dying, injured and orphaned. These experiences are nightmarish, awful and life altering. But, our Mother Earth, did she do it to hurt us? No. She is a being alive and well living through her cycles. She breaths, moves and shifts through DIVINE INDIFFERENCE. Can you breathe in that concept for a moment, and feel the peace that lives there? Or perhaps you think I’m crazy, and totally off point. That’s ok, I don’t mind.

War then, is a global condition born of a mind polluted by limitation.

What do you think of war I then asked of him; and the words that limit spilled from his lips -  

Sin

Wrong

Bad choices ... 

In that moment, I wondered if he felt limited by his understandings or if perhaps for him his words held the same potency as my own do for me. I suppose one day I’ll have to ask him.

and my pizza was cold and our work meeting resumed.

Desert Dreams

I walked through the veil of waking life and into a realm of limitless realities, spelling out of heart and subconscious mind. A small shanti landed heavy and free in the center of an expansive piece of desert soil. Trees, at a distance away – visible to my naked eye, but further out than I am accustomed on account of the conditions of my heart.

One moving truck. Windows that only close on the top. A flexible clear glass that gapes and seals as directed by the winds. Warm, warm heat. Moving from room to room they bend and warp in the definitions of my imagination, of my reality.

It is never really a quiet place, constant migration of vagrants and children wanting to use the washroom, in need of water. The furniture building itself, the space defining itself around the needs of my consciousness, of my evolution.

My boss, riding his bike in protective conscious circles.

My crew-leader, leaning his ears in close to witness a shift he knows but does not yet recognize.

Walking into celebration, a town 4 miles away burning to the ground. Red dressed fire dancers flitting around their water source. Mists of chakra colours pouring from the heavens. Mystics scantly clad, their mental freedom expressed in a quality of nudity that numbs the mind out of the physical. She wraps herself around me, the children flocking to witness these tricks of scarves and bangles. Wives of men, laying jealousy down at her feet. Like blankets of wanting.

“take me back to your home, take me there, bathe and feed me.”

She renders me physically still and consciously aware of her transgressions, fears and depth – the bloods that run through her, challenging her, defining her. The bathtub full of cold water and my father asleep naked in front of the tv. She casts her spell upon my home, upon my world.

In emergence I walk the line between the Piscean and the Aquarius.    

Evolution of Radience

It has not been an easy spring, spirits are discovering temporary evolutionary limits and minds are putting up a fight. When we pay too much attention to the way we think life should be unfolding, we get sooooo incredibly stuck... Discouraged... It's like telling the Universe her plan is not the right one, and she backs away... We feel abandoned by our dreams, and we begin to question our purpose.. 👁 .. I am not convinced that just because we are called to a destiny, that the path is going to open with ease. 


The road to evolutionary achievement is not an easy one, and it comes with a lot of spiritual work. We can not expect to receive just because we want it. 


On a soul level, we want certain things because they are going to force us to evolve - they are going to force us to do spiritual work, they are going to force us into the fire, through the fire ... and on the other-side of the fire, there may be a meadow, or, there will be another fire. The fires of transmutation, the fires of karma, the fires of spirit. 
When we are finally brought to our knees, when we are finally done telling the universe what we want and how we want it - when we surrender - then and only then will we hear, will we see the path, will the fires calm for a time. 


Are you on your knees? Are you ready to be silent, to observe? To trust, to really honestly without an ounce of fear or hesitation let go? Let go of everything. 
The universe, She wants to paint another painting for you, She wants your permission to direct your course. So now, you must cultivate authentic obedience. This my sweet sister, is hard work. 


You start, on your knees. Finding, somehow within yourself gratitude, for all you have. In gratitude you gently, compassionately, let go - gratitude first, reverence second, abundance will follow

healing through triggers

They stood there assuming he knew me better, while he sang his ugly song. It would have been funny, it is a funny song; "I’m gonna fuck you softly, I’m gonna screw you gently, I’m gonna hump you sweetly, I’m gonna ball you discreetly… and them I’m gonna love you completely, and then I’ll fucking fuck you…" I'm gonna fuck you gently by Tenacious D, ok you get it? So, in the context of my current reality and the sexual violence in my history, it just wasn’t funny. It threw me back in time with such force it took my breath away. I did more, than I thought I could, saying “you can’t dedicate that song to me, take it back.“  In absent minded, self aggrandizing indulgence he kept playing. Like sucking the choice from my lips was his intention all along, it has always been the intention.

I immediately reverted back, to where I had previously been, three times. “be quiet, it’ll be over soon” sitting shrugged over, hands covering the tendrils of my hearing, I just let him play. While three other men stood, and watched. The three of them, so out of touch with what is acceptable male behaviour, and devilishly close to being the ones behind the guitar. Silence. “be quiet, it’ll be over soon”. The song did end, and then I rode my bike home with him, guitar. I couldn’t help but hear playing over and over in my head, “gomeshi” “gomeshi” “gomeshi” … those women, and their voices.

I got home that evening, after being told that I was dishonouring him by not conceding to go have beers with him. Can you smell the foul reality of emerging as a women in a post Piscean age, men is their delusions thinking they have the right to make demands of our time, to attempt to posses our consciousness as best suits their needs. I meditated. I immersed myself in light, cards, candles and smoke. I scurried so far up my healing tree I didn’t have to feel the impact piercing the layers of my skin. I was free, I know how to be free from the deluge of humanity. I went home.

As I lay in bed that night my mind wandered back to the scene. What didn’t I do, what did I do? Was I accidentally presenting a smile, the kind of smile a woman makes when she knows she’s close of the end of her safety rope? That smile that inverts the heart and twists the sacral root. Were my fingers pulling down on my hair and my face bowed down to my knees not enough of a signal for anyone of those men to notice that I needed an assist? How did I fail myself, again?

As I continued down my path of shame and blame, beating myself up for having failed in this mission, again. I eventually came to a new conclusion. A pivotal moment of realization, had I actually failed, did I still have time to save my honour and serve the sisterhood?

Accountability. I realized it was my sacred duty to hold all four of those men accountable. Moments before I finally slept, I was prepared to put my spiritual practices to the test. I was ready to respond to a call I have been training for since my late teen years. I was going to hold them all accountable.

I made contact with guitar the very next morning. Outlining very specifically what he did wrong, how it affected me, and that never again under no circumstances ever, was he to behave that like with me or any other women again. I was fortunate enough to receive a heartfelt apology, which was the first of its kind in all the history of my abusers. I preceded throughout the work week to address the issue with deep simplicity, serenity and presence. Each man receiving a different and yet relevant to them synopsis of my experience and encouragement to step in when a sister is stuck, weighed down in the depths of trigger. Each responding in their own, authentic way. I received, four apologies.

I felt I had actually accomplished the task at hand. I have been learning of and meditating with the throat chakra for the past three months. My voice, my authentic powerful voice was called to action, not only in defence of my spirit but in quest to teach men, of an integration age, how to better relate to women.

A step. I listened to the deep yearning of my spirit, I heard her. I obeyed her.

Holding those men accountable was a step towards a shamanic gift I received in session the following week. I was working with a client, she, an incredible being; the kind that feeds the evolution of the women surrounding her, the kind that challenges you to see yourself as greater than your biggest insecurities. She asked me to facilitate a journey for her. This quality of session does not typically exist in my practice – mostly because I was afraid of it. The experience was for the most part entirely ineffable, non-transferable and purely mystical. I became something I already knew, something I had practiced thousands of times in a previous staging of cycles around the sun. Something so deeply ingrained in my cosmic body that it landed with reverence, power and grace. A new threshold of healing. It scared me, naturally, as any contact with the limitless universe would for a human. I sat in awe.

My voice, Spirits voice alive within me; does she have the courage to hold the truth we have for her? I did, I do.

I urge you now, in what has been a re-occurring session theme this week to say yes.

We have goals, dreams and spiritual aspirations or non striving – these are all goals, what comes before the goal are the steps, the leg work, the effort. The effort is not only comprised of obstacle and challenge, but also opportunity, yearning and adventure. We have to listen to the heart center, to hear; for example ... 

Me: I want to be a successful ________ … (I want a mountain of papaya!)

Universe: ________   ________   _________, she wants the fires of transmutation

Me: No, that will be too much, too hard… I cant do that? Who am I to …? 

Universe: no no no no no no no no no

……. Nothing ……

Me: I have no money, I feel empty, who am I?

Universe: no no empty no no no who no no no? FIRES

……. Nothing ….. (from earthly standards)

Me: Mantra

Me: Meditation

Me: Mantra

Me: Meditation

Me: Mediation

Me: Meditation

Universe: apricot

Me: No, I said "I want a mountain of papaya"

Universe: apricot

Me: …..

(four years pass.. really, four..)

Universe: apricot

Me: yes.

Universe: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

Me: joy!

Universe: peach

Me: YES!!

Etc.. ( for years… yeah, like a long time… how bad do you want it? )

Mountain of papaya: I am at peace

Universe = ME

Figure out how to surrender, and then, START SAYING YES.

Chances are if you listen closely there is an answer. 

Radiance

Allowing all the scars of my humanity to drop away. Believing, in this possibility. Meditating upon its reality. 

How often do I act and create through the scars of my existence? The ones imprinted deep in my root chakra, deep in my beliefs systems, deep in my wounds. My panic is born of that place, my anger also. If I allow my heart to become the lens I give my cosmic being permission to transmute the scars of planetary existence and my world changes. My words, thoughts and compassions shift out of self and into being. 

In this way, I am consumed by radiance

a request to heal

When we ask ourselves or another for healing we must approach the desire with a profound willingness and an authentic offering of self to Self. Attending to your evolution with deep reverence, humility and willingness. 

Your offering, can not be taken lightly if you indent to heal. Your offering must pull on your deepest attachments, up-rooting wounds, that you may truly know the void that is the cosmos in creation. 

you must be willing to be emptied to be healed.