scared is what happens when the sacred gets scrambled
If I begin to write, I tell you I’m not sure when I’ll stop. Perhaps, in but a moment, and maybe if I’m lucky, never again.
The thing is I’ve just had the most challenging week. It is hard to explain how difficult it is for me to be human. . . without exercise. I was going to say myself without exercise – but that would just be implying a kind of myself that I know well, a myself that is entirely dependent on exercise for sanity. But what is being suggested to me is the possibility of there being an alternate kind of myself, one that doesn’t. One that can exist without it… I would like to remain open to this possibility, but I also just didn’t realize how dependent on sweat I am.
Today I feel grounded. Yesterday I felt grounded for about six hours and then, it left. Now I’m talking really left and it took my sense of self with it. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t recognize my thoughts, and I didn’t know how to love. This all sounds so dramatic, but in true fact that is how I felt. It was a full moon, and I am bleeding. These two facts bring a kind of justice to the experience, but good grief – what a day.
The thing is, its not about exercise at all, its not about my bruised rib, its not about the fact that I am in the beginning stages of running my own business and all the anxiety that comes along with that, its not about falling in love and fighting through self-sabotage. It’s about my mind. It’s about my fear.
I have set routines and patterns designed to control my fear, to keep it manageable and just shouting from the sidelines. But over the past two weeks as I have been incapable of practicing my fear rituals, I find myself face to face with it. With all of it. How it affects all aspects of my being, all levels of my existence, all elements of my life. Everything. Fear. Is nasty, and only in my mind.
So then moving forward from here means that I need to do a fundamental restructuring of how I see myself and how I move in and through the world. Ahhh! This is going to take work, and practice, and I am going to fail a few times – many times, but this then is the beginning. Fitting that it is as such, as fear is the demon of the Root Chakra, the primary chakra, everything begins and depends on the root. “Fear brings our attention into the here and now to address the threat, but focuses the attention outward and upward to the chakras of perception and mental activity. We become hypervigilant, restless and anxious. We can’t settle, relax or slow down. It is as if we are jumping right out of our skin” (Anodea, Judith) as time passes we become used to this state of being as our natural state and we begin to feel safe within this hypervigilance and become more uncomfortable when we try to relax. Yikes! How unconscious these behaviours become, how disembodying they are -
I don’t know about you but this is me, in a root chakra nutshell. Ok, so now what? GROUNDING practices ie; meditation, bathtubs with salts, thinking about the bottoms of my feet, eating good green foods, ensuring my needs are met as soon as they arise. But above all, meeting myself where I am, allowing myself to soften into the tensions that arise – rather than running scattered and confused into my safety nets and survival mechanisms. It comes down to a brain game, I’m going to have to take fear out of the equation – I have to remove fear from my controlling thought process. Yes I will continue to have it as an experience but it can no longer hold this kind of power over me, it can no longer change my plans and have such a tight menacing hold on my daily life experience. I'm not sure exactly what it will look like - but I will share my journey as it unfolds; today it was sitting down to write - tomorrow may be different.
How does fear influence your daily life? What are your expiring survival mechanisms? Are you willing to go deep to fly high, to be set free? Take your power back, fear is a LIAR!