Sometimes I am desperately afraid of my truth.
I sit here at my desk (which is currently situated in my kitchen) and I can feel my heart beating, the rhythm is obvious and the pace is quick. I sit here in my home temple as she gets rebuilt by men I don’t know and who barely speak the same language as me.
There was a slow water leak, it began I assume sometime mid November when the temperatures in Vancouver dropped below zero, a fissure formed in the copper pipes and the leak sprung in my wall. This leak moved down the wall and seeped under the floors of my sacred space, the space where I pray, create and dance, the space where I heal.
A little back story;
I spent the Solstice season in solitude this year, sitting in weight and lifting into light when the varying sensations emerged for me. It was an incredibly sacred time of reflection; where have I been in the past nine years.. reflecting on family, habits + patters and most specifically the end of my most recent romantic relationship, diving into the love I held and still hold for that beautiful woman. It was a season of deep release.
I noticed on the 2nd of January that one of my electrical sockets had water pouring out of it, and notified my landlady. She immediately came down and punched a hole in my ceiling, my crown chakra if you have the courage to venture so far with me. Exposing the shut-off valve for the water to the back yard. Then a big hole in the wall which held the weeping electrical socket, exposing soaked 2X4’s, cement and insulation. There was a dehumidifier and five fans installed, which are loud and stayed on for six nights and seven days. There was constant noise.
I started to feel completely crazy, I work a loud job Monday to Friday and then to come home to more constant noise was incredibly over stimulating and stirred up every last bit of tension I had not yet released from my bones, blood and mental bodies. Ugh, it was awful. I was so uncomfortable.
I was being excavated.
Yesterday I woke up sweating, and weak. I went to work and stood, unsure of everything and not able to feel where I was. One of the guys, (a teacher though he is much too humble to know that he is, just that to me) looked to me and said “Anna, you haven’t moved in seven minutes, are you ok?” and then I looked to him and said, I don’t think I should be here. He said, “then go home, nobody cares if you just go home”. So I walked into my bosses’ office and said “I should have called in sick” and I went home, back to bed. In my sickness I turned inward – as we often do, we don’t do our spiritual work until we just can handle our humanity anymore.
Under the full moon in Cancer, I exposed for my conscious mind the things my Soul simply can’t live without. The truths within me that need a path, a way through that they would come into being, that they could come to life. It was as if I was giving my deepest, truest desires permission to come to life. Yesterday I gave them/her breath.
Yesterday afternoon the room was deemed dry, and last night I slept in silence.
In my sleep, I dreamt of flight. I was walking a path with a group of women made up primarily of dancers, along a forest path beside a river and two Eagles a mother and a daughter flew up beside me and landed on some old dead branches to my left and then flew off. I was so taken by their beauty and wanted so deeply to follow them that I did, I took off – I was flying! I flew up with ease, and touched back down to earth at will. Vanessa my dear friend said to me I think we are on the wrong path, and I flew up again to find our way and re-direct these powerful women. Down through a haunted village we travelled under the temporary guise of an angry wizard and into another denser forest. I flew above, every woman followed. We arrived to our place, a town half sunk in water. Submerging ourselves in this natural bath, between and among all things worldly; cars, shopping carts, crying babies and angry mothers. We swam –
WE LET GO.
Water is about letting go. Releasing. It can leave you feeling powerless, feeling completely lost.
WATER IS ABOUT LETTING GO.
ABOUT FEELING LOST.
BEING LOST TO COSMIC SPACE + TIME
Lost to all the things you understand, lost to all the things you think you want, lost to everything. It is about being at the end of everything, that you would begin again.
And so it is.
My house under water. My bones, my old stories under water. My ideas, my thoughts and beliefs under water. Ripped up, to be cleansed beneath this Full Moon in Cancer.
We must trust the process, the strangers and the language that we don’t yet understand. We must let ourselves be rebuilt by cosmic love and moonlight. We must trust our truth.
I am Laloba, and I am listening.