Saturday morning I pulled an angel card, Synthesis 

          Noun: a combination or composition, in particular.

I have been living, many forms. A masculine, a feminine, an absent and a present. I visit these forms in rotation. I have relationship with all of them, turning to them as a reason to escape from the other when things get tough, and I struggle to summit the mountains that I climb. Living as an Empath, this cordoned off survival mechanism has served me, an escape through to the other sides of living. 


I was in a Kundalini class yesterday, the instructions flowed and at the every tail end she spoke: “if you are on your first few days of menses please just breathe deep and slow” as I took my space between my legs in yogic squat, initiating my deep and slow breathing my mind played out a reality, a stubborn bullheaded truth, coated in starlight and my womb. I have been living in pieces, parts of me only allowed light when it was deemed safe by the temperance of my environments. 


I am not four beings, I am one. 

I am crying and laughing simultaneously today, they call moments like these, pure awareness. The coming together of the bits and pieces of me that existed to define safety when the time was right, but my safety can be constant. No part of me needs to be in exile. I need the masculine hero to save my mind, and the tender woman to stoke the fire, the absent her I will continue to heal, but She, present is my gift. 


Work until the work speaks for itself, this winter was thick. This fruitful darkness revealing a light, the time I needed to see through into synthesis.